Memories of Ticken
It was a cold day in April when the doctor told me the news I had been dreading to hear, News that would forever change my life. At 25 years old I learned to my utter devastation that I would never be able to have a child. For several weeks I lived in a daze, totally uncaring about the world in which I lived. My father tried everything he could to snap me out of the depression I was in, but it was just getting worse. I felt totally useless, only half of a woman.
On one especially bad day I went for a walk by the lake in my apartment complex. I didn't even notice the children by the lake's edge until I heard the splash. To my utter shock I saw a little furry body scrambling to try to reach the shore. Those horrible children had thrown a kitten into the water. It was early May, and the lake's water was very cold. I could see the kitten trying to make it, but I jumped in the water and scooped it out. I turned to the children and asked them whose kitten it was. I guess I must have scared them, because they all ran off. I knew there wasn't time to waste trying to find its owner; I ran all the way back home with the sopping wet kitten in my arms. Trusting eyes begging me to help him, I rushed into the bathroom and grabbed my blow dryer and started warming him up. He was so cold the noise from the dryer didn't even scare him.
I could see he was very skinny and he had a whole infestation of fleas, so I knew he didn't have anyone to love him. At that time I didn't have any kitties, and I wasn't sure what to do, so I called a vet. She was wonderful; calming me down, telling me what to do, and never asked me for a penny for her time. Once I got him dry, I could see he was something special.
After a warm bowl of milk, my little friend looked much better. Time to decide what to do: do I violate my apartment complex no pet rule? Do I take him to the shelter? Do I put an ad in the paper? While all these thoughts were running through my head, my new friend crawled up into my lap and started to purr, or at least as close to a purr as he could get. What's that sound, why it's the kitten, making a kind of ticking sound? From that moment on I knew he had me. I no longer had time to feel sorry for myself; I had a baby that needed me. It wasn't long before I realized I could think about not having children without losing it. In a way I had my child.
Ticken made himself right at home in my apartment, waited for me to get home from work, snuggled up in my lap every evening. He even listened to me gripe about my day with out flicking a whisker. Sometimes it was almost like he could read my mind, and knew how I was feeling. When I was sad I felt a paw touch me every so gently, as if to say: Don't feel sad, I am here. Never have I known a cat so in tune with me. He showed me that love was unconditional, and freely given.
After a couple of months, I had to move away from my complex. I had been found out. It was either give up the only good thing in my life, or move. Well, Ticken and I found a nice little place we made home. Even though I never allowed him outside, he was very happy with me. Each day I would come home from work to see him sitting in the window. The minute I got out of my car, he disappeared from the window, and would greet me at the door. He never really did learn to purr right, but he had a uniqueness of sound that only a mother could appreciate.
After we had been together for three years, I left one evening to go out with some friends. When I returned I got the shock of my life, my house had been burglarized!!!! Even as I walked through the house I knew he was gone. It just had such an empty feeling, like the life had gone out of it. I ran out the back door calling for my baby in a way only other mothers could understand. I was on the verge of hysteria; my baby had never been outside before!!!
Searching, searching, I searched for weeks. Checked the shelter every day until 2 months later I had to finally let go. It was like I had lost a child, and for all real purposes I had. He was my child, what I lived for, what I came back to life for. How could anyone do this to me? How could God have let this happen? Where is my baby? Is he hurt? Is he okay? Does he miss his mommy? I tortured myself with these questions for months, until one day out of desperation I prayed to God to please either put me out of my misery, or send me a sign to let me know he was all right. The next day when leaving my house to go back to work, I received what I believe was my answer from God.
A small little kitten was racing up the street towards me, up my steps, and into my house he went. He looked so much like my Ticken when he was a baby that I just started to cry. I picked him up and held him close, and I felt comforted. The pain that had been tearing me apart now eased. I don't know what ever happened to my Baby, but I wanted everyone to know how he changed my life. He brought me back to life, when all I wanted was to die. For that I would have done anything for him, even put my life on the line for him. He will always be my first-born, and I will always love him.
So, Ticken baby, wherever you are, I love you and miss you. You brought so much joy into my life when all I knew was pain. You opened up my heart, and showed me love doesn't have to be painful. Our time together was much too short and I never got the chance to say goodbye.
In memory of "Ticken". Stay by the Bridge sweet baby. Your mommy will see you again.